


grif and simmons have to tell everyone they're super gay right now immediately

by relationshipcrimes



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M, Mentions of offscreen sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 10:53:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16196090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/relationshipcrimes/pseuds/relationshipcrimes
Summary: Five years after Grif and Simmons get married, Simmons sits bolt upright in the middle of the night, smacks Grif awake, and hollers: “OH MY GOD, GRIF. WE’RE DATING.”





	grif and simmons have to tell everyone they're super gay right now immediately

Five years after Grif and Simmons, on a weekend trip to Chorus, made Kimball sign up a legally-binding marriage document for them so Grif could gain “tax benefits,” which really meant “have Simmons file our tax forms jointly because I stopped doing my own, like, years ago”—five years of the ink drying on their marriage papers and Simmons never missing a Thanksgiving dinner with Kai and Grif wondering when he can make Simmons adopt a cat and Tucker telling them to keep it down if they were going to bone at three in the morning—five years after Grif and Simmons get married, Simmons sits bolt upright in the middle of the night (hair still damp from his shower and then blowjob and then second shower), smacks Grif awake, and hollers: “OH MY GOD, GRIF. WE’RE DATING.”

Grif wheezes and rolls over.

“NO GRIF WAKE UP RIGHT NOW THIS INSTANT—”

“Babe _please_ —”

“GRIF NOW IMMEDIATELY. Please.”

Grif groans at the top of his lungs, then drags his face out of the pillow. Glares at Simmons. “First of all, we’re not dating. We’re _married_.”

“No, Grif, that’s it, don’t you see? We got married for the tax benefits, the paperwork, the next-of-kin privileges. That’s just a bunch of rights we wanted, so we gamed the system. _This_ whole thing?” Simmons gestures wildly to their queen-sized bed, the bedsheets Grif let Simmons pick out, all of Grif’s clothes all over the floor that Simmons has stopped complaining about, the shared bathroom with the toothbrushes that Simmons wrapped in maroon and orange washi tape, respectively, so Grif would stop forgetting which one was which. “Grif, look at us. We’re not just married. We’re _dating_.”

Grif blinks. “Oh. Oh holy shit.”

“Grif,” says Simmons, with utmost seriousness, five years and ten days after they married. “I think we’re gay.”

 

* * *

 

 

Carolina marches down the hallway and bangs on Grif and Simmons’s door. Wash pokes his head out from the other end of the hallway, squinting unattractively.

“STOP SCREAMING IN THERE,” she hollers.

“CAROLINA,” Grif’s voice yells back. “I THINK WE’RE GAY.”

“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” Wash asks.

 

* * *

 

 

Grif snaps out of it first:

“Okay, this is stupid,” says Grif. “We had five years to have a gay panic. Shouldn’t there be a cutoff for these kinds of things?”

“A homosexual statute of limitations,” says Simmons.

“Exactly. Y’know what they say—better never than late, right?”

Simmons makes an angry noise and crosses his arms, exactly in the way that he used to back in Blood Gulch. Except now it’s significantly less irritating and also zero-percent threatening, because Grif knows that Simmons is buck-ass naked under the blankets, and someone having an angry flush with crossed arms is just _not threatening_ when they’re naked in your marriage bed. “You _know_ it’s supposed to be ‘better late than never,’ and you know that’s not the point! Grif, we missed coming out!”

“Yeah, because we didn’t even know we were—not straight, or whatever. Simmons-sexual. We can’t be blamed for it. How were we supposed to come out if we didn’t even know?”

“But we have to go back and do it properly,” Simmon insists. “There’s an order to these things!”

“You mean that the fact that we went from bickering like a married couple, to banging like a married couple, to _being_ a married couple might not have tipped off literally everyone around us to the fact that we might have, during that period of time, started dating?”

“Yes,” says Simmons.

“You’re right,” says Grif. “We have to let everyone know we’re super gay right now immediately.”

 

* * *

 

 

Simmons and Grif bake a cake. It has _SURPRISE! WE’RE GAY_ written on it in huge letters. They place it on the kitchen counter for everyone to see.

At five-thirty in the morning, Sarge stomps into the kitchen, grabs a cup of coffee, and glances at the cake. Looks at Grif and Simmons. Looks back at the cake.

“What’s this?” asks Sarge, squinting at them. “A cake rendition of last century’s morning newspaper?”

 

* * *

 

 

By the time Tucker sees it, the cake has been slowly demolished by various people grabbing slices that all it reads is _____RISE! ____ GAY_ on it.

“Do I want to know what this is,” Tucker says.

“It’s our coming out cake,” says Simmons.

“Bitch?” says Tucker. "We been knew?"

 

* * *

 

 

They call Kimball on the emergency line.

“Are you dying?” Kimball demands.

“No, we just have to tell you something really important,” says Grif. “Simmons and I are gay.”

There’s a long pause.

“Grif,” says Kimball. “You’re aware that I’m the one who married you two, correct?”

“Yeah, but getting married to your best friend who you love the most in the whole universe could really mean anything, you know?”

Kimball hangs up.

 

* * *

 

 

 **GRIF** : _Hey l_ _ocus_ (Unread 3:43 AM)

 **GRIF** : _Locus_ (Unread 3:43 AM)

 **GRIF** : _Locus_ (Unread 3:44 AM)

 **GRIF** : _Locus locus locus locus LOCUS_ (Unread 3:44 AM)

 **[REDACTED]** : _What is it._ (Read 3:45 AM)

 **GRIF** : _Locus im gay_ (Read 3:45 AM)

 **[REDACTED]** : _Why are you giving me this information._ (Read 3:46 AM)

 **GRIF** :  _Okay great thanks_  (Read 4:46 AM)

 **[REDACTED]** : _Grif._ (Read 4:48 AM)

 **[REDACTED]** : _...Grif. What is this_ (Read 4:50 AM)

 **[REDACTED]** : _Grif what does this mean_ (Read 4:53 AM)

 

* * *

 

 

“I think that went really well,” says Grif, after the day is done and they settle back into bed.

“I’m glad we did it,” says Simmons.

“How else would people have known that we’re gay?” Grif asks.

“Thank god we spelled it out for them,” says Simmons.

And then they fucked.

Homosexually.

~THE END~


End file.
